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Jun 24, 2007 10:10 am

When you get married you don't just marry your spouse you inherit a whole new family. Post here to discuss.

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Jan 9, 2009 9:08 am
My Mother-in-law dominates our lives

I have been married for 2 years and we stay with my mother in law. I feel very crowded in the house and there is nothing that belongs to me in the house since the house belongs to the mother in law. I feel like we are 3 in our marriage. My husband has stayed with the mother for the last 40 years so his life is full of life patterns and habits which are so deeply ingrained. He spends most of the time with the mother and am cut off many conversations and he will come upstairs to our bedroom where I spend most of my time for 2 or less minutes and just ask 'are you alright' and leave he is not sensitive to the way I feel. The mother dictates and controls our lives in a very subtle way that my husband does not realize. We plan everything around her and she does not give any space to us and my husband has been blinded by her way of acting sick (playing up) to seek attention. If my husband comes upstairs for a breather she will be climbing the stairs to the toilet and giving comments for my husband to respond.
I am a non existant person in the house as far as mother in law is concerned.
I am now feeling so lost and I was doing a degree so as just to keep myself busy now that is done am idle - now am looking for a second job to keep me going coz I think I would go into a depression. I feel like we are married singles coz we both lead our lives independently - for him he is still close to the mother and when you hear them talk is like husband and wife. (Father in law died years back) so it seems mother in law projects herself onto the son and gets her support from him.

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Jan 9, 2009 9:26 am
My Mother-in-law dominates our lives

Dear "Frustrated Gal"

Thanks for your message. So sorry to hear that your marriage is not what you would like it to be. We presume that you may be Christians, or have some interest in the Christian faith, as our organisation provides courses from a Christian standpoint.

There seem to be certain things that could happen - that you could both move out to be independent, but that may be financially impossible, or your husband unwilling to leave his mother. On marriage the Bible says that we are to leave our parents and cleave (stick) to our spouse. Matthew 19.5. Also it would be good for you both to hear what God says about marriage if you would like to attend one of our Married for Life courses.

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Jun 27, 2009 1:00 am
Frustrated Gal

Your life sounds very sad and unfulfilled, but I do have a question for you. When you married this man, did you not know he had lived with his mother for 40 years? That alone should have sent up a few red flags. So many times, especially as women, we think we are going to change our men after we are married. Unfortunately, things usually change for the worse, not into the dream we have created in our hearts.
The reality of the situation is you married a man who has strong ties to his mother. He does not know how to leave and cleave and, truly, he is much closer to her than to you. No doubt she treasures her relationship with her son and does not want you to be closer to him than she is. So where do you go from here?
For one thing, you have a covenant with your husband that your mother-in-law does not have with him. You need to begin standing and praying from that point of unity and power. You will probably never be able to change things in the natural, but if you are in relationship with Jesus, you have authority in His name to pray God's will for your marriage. If you do not know how to fight spiritual warfare, now is the time to learn. You are not warring against flesh and blood, but against spiritual powers that seek to maintain the wrong relationship in your husband's life. Stop trying to fight your way in through natural thinking and acting and begin taking your authority in the spirit. Love the people, fight the spirits.
You have walked into a very difficult situation and hoping is not going to change it. You need to learn who you are in Christ and stand in your position of authority. God bless you!

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