Teo and Cindy

SEPARATED BUT UNDER ONE ROOF

This couple enrolled for MFL class during an October 1999 seminar. They were already living separately on their own as they called off their wedding ceremony in December 1999 by the time they started their MFL class in February 2000.

The course leader arranged for them to do their homework for 1 hour per week in their cell leader's home as they were not on speaking terms. They needed a ‘safe' place to discuss their homework to prevent turning it into a shouting match. By Lesson 3, they requested permission to do their homework in their own home. They resolved to be accountable in the process. Since then, their energy was spent on the road to recovery.

They were recommended to keep in touch with their mentors and cell group and to revisit their homework on certain topics even after graduating from MFL. They finally had their official Wedding Ceremony in December 2000 and they now have 3 lovely children.

Cindy

Teo and I were like strangers when we were contacted in February 2000 to join the MFL course. It seems like we had not seen each other for a very long time. It was difficult for us to even say" hello". We were already married in the Registry of Marriage - ROM for more than a year, after 7 years of courtship but not moved into our home yet, as we were only registered in a civil ceremony and we did not go through a proper wedding ceremony. Then we decided not to stay together in our house that we had bought earlier since we already had thoughts of going our separate ways. It was a painful time and we could not see any hope to stay married.

Teo

Our wedding ceremony planned in December 1999 was called off by my wife. I was very depressed and I could not understand what I did wrong. I asked myself why I had to bear with all this pain. My heart was full of hatred and bitterness, unable to forgive Cindy for what she did. My hopes of setting up a home with children were gone. It was a dream that I had wanted to fulfill since I was young. It was a big blow to me so I resorted to frequent nightspots as a form of revenge.

Cindy

I thought about Teo very often. There seemed to be no solution for us. Our quarrels were so bad that I did not see any happiness for us in being together. We tried very hard to make our relationship work. We went to numerous seminars and counseling sessions for advice. Fear was building up within me as the wedding ceremony date approached. Feeling lost, I decided not to go through with the wedding ceremony despite the pressures. I wanted to celebrate the biggest moment of my life in a very happy setting with all our friends and relatives.

Teo

I was very reluctant to attend the MFL course when I was first contacted about it as I felt that we were without hope. When explained that there was no harm or loss in giving to each other a last chance, before we made a final decision about divorce, I agreed to meet the course leader together with my wife. Before the lessons started, we were asked to give our commitment to finish this course no matter how unwilling or unhappy each of us felt. We promised to come for the lesson every Sunday for 13 weeks.

Cindy

Attending the first lesson was terrible as well as enriching for us. Terrible because we had not been talking with each other for a few months. Our hearts were cold and filled with grudges. We could not even share our workbook together properly. Enriching because we never knew how serious our marriage vows were. We took marriage lightly until the lesson on "Covenant" was explained. We were surprised that God had already witnessed our marriage vows even though we did not have a marriage ceremony in church. This vow can not and must never be broken because it was a lifelong commitment - it's no longer about "me', but "we".

Teo

After a few weeks of lessons, the word "divorce" was unleashed again in a moment of anger. We did not know that what we say can make a strong impact on our relationship. We learnt in the lesson, ‘Sowing and reaping', that we will reap what we sow. We learnt that it is important to stop saying such words and to cut down the "weeds" that we had grown over the years. We even started to write words like "pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" to encourage each other.

Cindy

Nowadays, Teo and I learn to pray together. We are also learning to communicate better. By God's grace, we are honest with each other as we struggle through many past hurts. Strife is less frequent as we cultivate a lifestyle of transparency between us. We are also more loving.

Teo

We appreciate the sharing session by every couple in our class and thank them for letting us know that we are not the only ones with problems. We would like to praise and glorify God's name for His mighty work to heal and bring us together in our marriage.

I hope to see many more marriages like ours benefit from such a class.

Footnote from Cindy in July 2001:
As we reflect on our testimony again 1 year after our graduation, I'm not proud to share our story as we felt that we were still struggling even after attending the course. I still have doubts as to how we can stay together in this marriage when we have arguments often. My worries prior to staying together were unfounded as we learn to live with one another and give in. My previous insecurities were more settled since my husband started to come home every evening. God has blessed me with a very good pregnancy that was easy. I had a caesarean in May 2001 because the baby was breeched. My husband helped me during the confinement, with the maid's help. He is very helpful and supportive despite having to wake up for night feeds. The baby's smile is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God is good to us.