Ng and Sue

HEALING IN MARRIAGE FEELS LIKE DEEP SURGERY

This couple graduated in the 2000 MFL class. They later became LIT in 2002 and led 2 classes in 2005 as well as trained up 2 LITs.

Ng

We have been married for five years and have two children aged 2 and 4. Before joining the Married for Life course, I thought our marriage was okay, not good but okay. I did not like my wife dominating all aspects of our lives, like unilaterally making decisions on all our schedules, or frequently volunteering me to other people for chores, telling people that "My husband will do this tomorrow" and come back and tell me, "Do this". Yet, I must have gotten used to by it then.

We were not intimate with each other emotionally, spiritually, or physically. The focus was overwhelming with the children who gave us so much joy. I came to the course with the attitude that, if God has something good to give, then I want to receive it. Plus, I wanted a venue to complain about my wife.

Sue

I had no clue that our marriage was built on the wrong foundations. I did however desperately want a breakthrough with my husband's role in the house and our lack of physical intimacy. I wanted my husband to assume his role as head of our household as written in Ephesians 5:23

I have been struggling with these issues since the day that we got married. I had often shared and sought advice from other women. Some advised that I should try to let go and leave the decision-making to my husband alone and left with no choice but be pressured to take up his responsibilities. And when he made mistakes, I should just let him learn from mistakes.

This cannot work for me. How about choosing a play school for our kids or which maid agency to use? I had reckoned it would be unfair to have the kids bear the consequences due to his poor decisions. And my husband did not have time to check around and he was not the type that would ask for help.

I prayed many times for God to change my husband to be more godly, responsible, loving and affectionate towards me. Yet, I have to be the one to push my husband. I never realized that I did all these things with my own selfish intention. None of my efforts resulted in any breakthroughs.

There were times I wanted to give up on this marriage since I felt so unloved despite my efforts and sacrifices. Then I decided to change my attitude toward my husband. I started to concentrate on my husband's good points instead. Maybe one day God would change him. Who knows?

Ng

My wife is definitely better than me in many ways. She is more organized and resourceful than me. I grew up in an environment where my parents took care of everything. My father even wrote letters and applied for jobs on my behalf before I graduated. As a bachelor and now a husband, I had always taken the path of least resistance rather than to produce the best results. Hence, whatever I did often fell short of her liking. Since she assumed most of the decision-making at home my views were seldom valued. Even though she managed the household extremely well, I resented it. I felt like a non-committee member; so my love for her turned cold.

Sue

Through the Married for Life course, the prayers, testimonies of other couples, and working of the Holy Spirit, my eyes were opened. I read in Hosea 4:6 "my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge". We started to see that there were many areas of our marriage that were deficient. The very first teaching that struck us was the importance of the Marriage Covenant. We asked God to forgive us for not honoring this covenant and repented for desiring to go our separate ways during our quarrels.

The lesson on Roles made me realized I was not a wife as described in Eph 5:22-23, "...wives, submit to your husband....the wife must respect the husband". I was not submissive; neither did I respect my husband. Instead, I was full of criticisms. I started to ask God to change me instead of changing my husband. Together, we asked God for forgiveness for not assuming our roles and to restore back our roles in our marriage.

The lesson on Life Patterns showed us our life patterns were handed down through the generations. Just like Abraham lied about Sarah being his sister, it continued with his son, Isaac (he lied about his wife being his sister), and further continued with Isaac's son Jacob (pretended to be his brother, Esau). I realized I too had adopted many wrong values from my parents and grandparents. The women in my family were very manipulative. I also had resentment and fears with the way my father-in-law mistreated my mother-in-law verbally. Hence, I adopted a stance that I must be manipulative and strong in order not to be ill treated by my husband. I had built up fears that my husband would be like his father since my mum had said that husbands follow after their father's characters.

Ng

The depth, effectiveness, and goodness of this course still amazes me. It set us on the right path with God's standard rather than the worldly, cultural or social standards. I started to understand my roles better. I learn what it means to die to self and become one-flesh with my wife. I forsook my lazy ways due to selfishness and strove to be a better husband.

Sue

We asked God to forgive our forefathers and released forgiveness for their sins that affected us. As in Leviticus 26:40, 42, "...if they will confess their sins and the sins of their fathers... then I will remember My covenant." We asked God to forgive my mum's manipulation on my dad and my husband's dad for not loving his wife. My husband took the authority to break the fears over me. The whole exercise was an act of obedience as we did not want to blame our forefathers for our wrongs.

The Holy Spirit revealed our sins of lust, pornography and, premarital sex and we asked for forgiveness from each other. We desired to be set free and to have breakthroughs in our marriage. We were taught that forgiveness is the key to healing. Matt 5:23-24, and Mark 11:25 teach us that not forgiving, holds us in bondage and blocks the promises of God.

Ng

The Married for Life course is a very structured way to invite Jesus to do His work (more like a surgery) in all aspects at the deepest levels, one area at a time. I found this course taxing and requiring a lot of hard work yet the majority and toughest of the work has been done by Jesus. Through Him miraculous changes came as we just followed His instructions.

We learnt that any imperfections or sins, even though buried and unseen from the surface, had to be gouged out. It is like a surgery that is performed to cut open the flesh to dig up the pus and tumor and get it removed. We did two things: (i) be naked with each other like Adam and Eve, which means no secrets between us, and (ii) have the willingness to forgive (even though you'll never feel like forgiving, you have to choose to forgive and ask God to help you truly forgive). When we came to that part, about our past relationships and transgressions, it was so painful that I thought God had forgotten to use anesthesia in this surgery. However, God showed us His love, mercy, and healing power when we obeyed Him in our weakness. The healing of hurts and, the bad memories were still there. The biological mechanism that was supposed to produce anger and sadness didn't seem to be functioning normally. In short, we became intimate again. I started to see her as a woman and my wife, rather than just the mother of my children.

Sue

Submission does not mean to let go of all my responsibilities, but rather, be a helper along side with my husband. So I would still look for a maid, find good and cheap holiday deals, run errands, and allow room for us both to pray for agreement. God's Word says that it is not good for man to be alone, and that He would make a helper suitable for him. However, how then could I be submissive to him if my husband is not close to God or does not pray consistently? Well, if I want to obey God, I have to obey His word which says to submit to my husband, that even for some who do not obey the word, they without a word may be won by the conduct of their wives.

Ng

I thank God for the character changes in my wife; this truly melts my cold heart. With a deeper understanding and wanting the best from God, I am conscious to take up my role and responsibilities as a leader especially in the spiritual realm, And we are also very enthusiastic to pray together as one-flesh for the Word says, "One shall chase a thousand and two shall chase 10 thousands."