Andy and Ai May

PATIENCE, NOT DIVORCE WHEN THE JOURNEY GETS TOUGH

This couple graduated from the MFL class in 2004. They are currently leading a MFL class in 2007 and actively serving in their church.

Andy

We are married for 20 years and have 3 children aged 19, 16, and 7 respectively. In our initial years, we kept God completely out of our marriage, apart from saying our vows on our wedding day. We were doing our own things, both working and coming back late with our children being taken care of by our parents and maid.

"It is your fault" ... were our common words and if not spoken out, our eyes would transmit the very words! How did our marriage deteriorate to this level? Church going was only a Sunday routine and Christian fellowship was more like a social gathering. We were absorbed in material gains, wealth building, checking out the latest property investment, what the neighbors are investing, and the money chase. Energy was spent on the 6 Cs, Condominium, Car, Credit Card, Cash, Career, and Cosmopolitan lifestyle. Of course we have good excuses that "it is for the children's future" or ‘Christians should be blessed with all earthly wealth'. We sacrificed quality family time by staying late at work in the office.

Soon after, our marriage started to fall apart. We wanted freedom from our marriage as we wanted to pursue our own desired lifestyle. Our behaviors started to change and our hearts went astray not only from God but also from each other. Words like separation and divorce were often used in our quarrels.

I became absorbed with worldly pleasures like smoking, drinking and having extra-marital affairs. I started a pub business with some friends, ignoring my wife's and children's needs. But then I made excuses to myself that it was for the children's future. It was in fact all for me! There was no family or God in my life during those years, only lots of quarrels at home. I stayed out late drinking in the pub and some times would not even come home.

Ai May

Divorce was always on my mind as we quarreled often. I even told myself that I could walk out any time if things go wrong in our marriage since he was seeking his own pleasure and neglected the family totally. Everything was falling apart for me and I was devastated, lost and heartbroken by all his selfish behaviors. I was betrayed, like a knife pierced through my heart as I was very hurt by what he did. I felt cheated, rejected and left all alone. I lost trust in him and I could not believe him anymore. Of course, initially I would try to use my own strength to settle all the problems, but then things just got worst. I had no choice but to cry out to God for help. I questioned God about my devastated situation and wondered what I have done to end up in this state.

Andy

Meanwhile, I continued to adopt a very self-centered attitude. It was always my happiness first, my convenience, my satisfaction. I was trying to "find satisfaction" and happiness elsewhere and drowned my sorrows in liquor, totally ignoring the needs of my family. It had come to a point where I just wanted to separate myself from my family and try to start out on my own.

Every time there was a quarrel, I would threaten to divorce my wife. On hindsight this is exactly what the "enemy" wanted. Yet, there were feeble attempts to try and reconnect with my family and God but still only on my own terms and ideas.

Ai May

GOD dealt with me. He showed me that the breakdown of a marriage does not lie in just one party. I realized my faults and seek forgiveness from God. He taught me to forgive my husband for his rejection, betrayal, coldness, absence and that my husband is not my enemy. So I started to pray for him instead. I felt the compassion in my heart as I prayed and saw a vision of a beast in his marriage suit. I prayed for God to deliver him and save him from the prince of darkness. I persevered and prayed God's promises in the Bible that "What God put together, no man can put asunder"

At that time, I joined a cell group and a group of spouses that are going through the same problems for support. They prayed for me each week. I learnt to speak to God and to hear from God. Many times during my desperate prayers as I tried to persevere, God spoke to me with visions. When I was very devastated, I wanted to divorce my husband, but then God showed me words like "NO DIVORCE" and "PATIENCE".

I spent a lot of time alone at the beach. Once He showed me a vision of myself walking through a narrow bridge, He said "take the narrow road and not the broad road" and later realized that this verse was from the Bible in the Gospel of Mathew.

What made me press on was a vision God gave me. There was a mountainous slope with a difficult and steep road to climb, but at the end of that steep slope was a beautiful house. God's promises kept me on although the situation with my husband was not getting any better. There were many dark days but each day I had to ask for God's mercy and grace to move on.

Andy

In God's wisdom, He allowed me to go through what I needed to go through to see my own frailty and shortfall. God knew exactly what I was going through and knew exactly when and how to touch my heart again. God began to use my wife and those in her cell and covenant standers group as they prayed for me. I started to see changes in my wife's behavior towards me. She was somehow different. She began to show concern instead of control. She began to speak peace instead of faults. One day, I attended a men's weekend encounter at church and saw myself like a prodigal son returning home. After that I went back to my wife and family and asked for their forgiveness. I realized that to die to self is to deny the desires of the flesh and to cling to Jesus. I had to make a decision to stop living a double standard life style.

Although we were introduced to the MFL course about 8 years ago, we were not ready to attend until last year in Feb 2006. During the 14 class sessions, we were reminded of God's principles in marriage which was powerful. The practical truths from the Bible was applied to our daily life and taught us how to live out our marriage life together.

Principles like forgiveness, sowing, roles, praying together impacted our lives. We allowed our hearts to be healed again and again through forgiving each other. We learnt that we will reap whatever we sowed and through praying together we will be able to have the strength to live out our marriage vows with God's help.

God gave us His peace and joy that is not dependent on our existing circumstances. Looking back, we could see God's patient hand at work in our lives despite our sinful past. He was merciful and gracious enough to allow us to come back to Him and to each other and to live together as a family.

Lamentation 3:22, 23...Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His mercies never fail, they are new every morning, Great is your faithfulness.