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Forgive me for being away for so long. The summer was filled with many situations and needs that took much more time than I had to give. Praise the Lord that things are settling down to the normal roar again!!

I thought about you a good deal during the summer. Attending the Covenant Keeper's convention in Tulsa again reminded me of the brave warriors who are standing in faith for spouses and families across this nation and beyond. During those days there and since then in letters and emails, many have asked me about what to do after a spouse returns home from one or more adulterous affairs. It seems this is a good time to address that issue.

First of all, for a woman the betrayal of adultery is not so much sexual as it is emotional. To have your husband share his heart, his life, and his very soul with another woman is much more painful than the fact that they had sex together. For a man the pain of the sexual betrayal of his wife is much more painful. It is hard in this short space to cover all aspects of life after adultery, so I will address a few pertinent points.

The betrayal: When adultery is discovered, one of the first things a spouse realizes is how much he or she has been lied to. You remember dates and times and stories that you now know were not true. You wonder how you could have been so dumb to believe what you had been told when the truth should have been so obvious. Your emotions roller coaster from the depths of pain and dispair to an anger you didn't believe was within you. The person you love most on this earth not only chose someone else over you but played you in the bargain.

The rejection: Once the full realization of what has happened hits you, you begin to wonder why you were not enough. What was wrong with you that your spouse had to find someone else. You begin mental comparrisons and try to figure out what that person has that you do not. Your self esteem hits rock bottom and you may even wonder if anyone ever would want you.

The anger: Anger takes a lot of energy and so it usually is not the first emotion to surface in a woman. Men, on the other hand, usually experience anger much more rapidly when a wife is unfaithful. I remember I used to fluctuate between wanting to die and wanting to kill my husband and the woman he was with at the moment. One night I threw an entire box of glasses at the garage door because I didn't know what else to do with the rage I felt in my heart. Anger and frustration often seem to travel hand-in-hand as the inability to "fix things" sets in.

There are many more emotions and reactions to adultery, but for now I want to focus on what happens when a spouse leaves the adulterous affair and comes home. I want to stress that these are ideas and suggestions. You need to ask the Lord what He wants for you and follow His voice in your life.

Sometimes a couple feels that returning to a "normal" sex life in their marriage will help with the healing process. More often than not, this is not the case. For one thing, if you are still feeling insecure about your ability to please your spouse, this can turn into a time of real performance. Instead of expressing deep love for each other, it can become a time of "I'll show you how great this can be." That motive is never a satisfying or lasting basis for physical intimacy. On just a practical basis, in this day and age, a spouse who has been sexually active outside of his or her marriage should be tested for STDs before physical intimacy resumes in the marriage.

Secondly, if other issues have not been addressed, trying to cover them with sex is not going to help your relationship. Trust is a biggy. It has been broken and trampled upon in your marriage and it must be restored again. Rushing into a physical relationship will not help build trust. In the Song of Solomon three times (2:7; 3:5; and 8:4) it warns to not awaken love too soon.

We often recommend to couples that they begin "dating" again. Go out together, to dinner or a movie, go for walks in the park. Spend time together in places where physical intimacy is not encouraged. Learn to like each other again. TALK to each other. Rekindle your romance. Encourage your spouse to pursue you, to win you over again--not in a manipulative way, like holding out a carrot for good performance, but out of a genuine desire to be love and be loved at a much deeper level.

Hopefully during the time you were standing for your marriage you walked through healing with the Lord. The wounding and rejection of the adultery can be fully addressed long before a spouse comes home. If that is not your situation, then spend time with the Lord and allow Him to heal any remaining wounding in your heart. Your renewed relationship needs to be built on a healthy foundation.

And last, but not least, place your trust for change in the Lord, not your spouse. Jeremiah 17:5 says, "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength..." If you base the rebuilding of trust in your relationship on what your spouse does or doesn't do, you will probably be disappointed. Plus you will put severe pressure on your spouse to perform correctly in order for the relationship to continue to heal. It is not by might or by power but by the Spirit of the Lord that your marriage will heal.

Trust God to work in your own heart and in your spouse's. God is bigger than the problems and it is His overcoming power that will bring change to each of you and to your marriage. Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." As you rebuild trust in your marriage, you need to lean on the Lord, trust in Him, and not try to figure it out yourself or place the burden of performance on your spouse.

The enemy will work overtime during this time of restoration because he does not want to see the healing occur. If your spouse is late, if you can't locate your spouse, if anything out of the ordinary happens, your mind will begin painting pictures of what could be happening. Don't go there. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5) You have authority over your thoughts. Don't let them run wild.

Keep your eyes and your heart fixed on the Lord and trust that He is working in your spouse to change him or her from the inside out. Walk in love and faith. Give God time to accomplish His will within your lives and your marriage. ~ Marilyn

The World Is Watching

It has been interesting watching the situation with Gov. Mark Sanford. When the news of his adultery first broke, reporters on station after station speculated about what was going to happen. One in particular stood out to me as the reporter stated that the governor's wife would surely not stand by her man because she was a woman of strong faith. Evidently being strong in their eyes meant taking care of number one. I waited to see what would happen.

When Jenny Sanford announced that she had chosen to forgive her husband and work on their marriage, the press went wild. The world began to smirk. They didn't know what to do with forgiveness in the face of infidelity and so they mocked her decision.

This morning I watched a panel that included a psychologist discussing the probability of reconciliation between the governor and his wife. All the learned panel members chimed in about what is possible and what is not. At best, they could only conceive of a relationship built on gut determination to make things work for the sake of the children. True forgiveness and healing were not even words in their vocabulary.

This situation with the governor of South Carolina has impressed upon me once again how little the world understands about the heart of God and how very little they know of His power. And once again it has confirmed in my heart that one of the greatest witnesses we can give on this earth is to stand for the healing of our marriage. 

The world is accustomed to hearing sermons and can many times quote scripture right along with believers, but when confronted with forgiveness and total trust in the Lord for a relationship as important as marriage, the world is baffled. A marriage as wounded as Gov. Sanford's can only be healed by the power of God. Gut determination may keep people together for a season to accomplish a goal, such as keep the family together for the children, but in the end the marriage usually breaks up once the goal is accomplished. Gut determination does nothing to change hearts.

Too often the world has observed the believers reacting the same way the world does when confronted with marital crisis. Leaving a spouse because of infidelity is the world's way and far too often, the Church's as well. When we act like the world, the world has no problem understanding. They even applaud the decision. After all, it is what they would do.

  When we walk in faith, though, the world is without explanation. They think we are crazy or weak or living in a fantasy world. They mock what they cannot comprehend. "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God" 1 Corinthians 1:18. 

As we look across our nation today, believers are ridiculed, mocked, and even attacked when we stand up for what we believe. A war is being waged to silence us all together. Preaching means little if our lives don't line up with the Word of God. I truly believe that it is the manifestation of the power of God that will show the world He is real. When that power is manifest through His love and compassion, the world will be astonished. Just like the Philippian jailer in Acts 16, they will ask, "What must I do to be saved?"

Every time someone chooses to stand for their marriage, to trust God for healing and reconciliation, the world sees one more example of the heart of a believer. Once more the world is confronted with faith they cannot fathom and forgiveness they cannot muster. I don't personally believe there is any greater witness to the power of God than faithfulness in the face of unfaithfulness. The world can only recommend moving on and finding someone new. The believer who is standing sends out a clear message that there is a better way.
I pray that Mark and Jenny Sanford are surrounded with believers who will support them as they heal. I pray that Jenny especially has believers around her who hold her arms up in the battle for her marriage and family. Even as the world mocks, they are watching. May the Church stand firmly behind this couple and speak words of life to them. And as you stand and believe for your own marriage, please pray for Mark and Jenny as well. 

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  2 Corinthians 1:3,4

Posted by Marilyn Phillipps