Marriage

I am happy that marriage is a covenant. I enjoy the security that we have within our marriage. I like that both Lainey and I are committed to each other and to making our life together work. I am happy that there can be no situation or circumstance that is so bad that it would cause us to abandon each other. I am glad that when Lainey and I said our vows to each other we both understood that this was a lifelong commitment.

For some couples however, marriage is entered with small print secretly stashed away inside the heart. “Yes I mean these vows, but if circumstances change then I reserve the right to leave, to move on”. I find it hard to understand why so many couples want to treat marriage as a contract when doing so brings instability to their relationship. All marriages have periods of marital trouble and strife from time to time. At these times the relationship needs commitment to work through the issues together. If one or both has access to their “fine print” conditions then the commitment to the relationship that is needed does not exist and all too often divorce is the result. Self-fulfilling prophecy - the decision to reserve the option to divorce often brings the fruit of that decision.

If you or your spouse entered marriage with a get-out clause in the back of your mind then there is only one way to gain security and peace of mind in your relationship. Take time to discuss the fine print and decide to rip up the get-out clause. Stop treating your marriage like a contract and instead start protecting your marriage covenant together. The benefits will be security in your relationship which far outweighs the responsibility of honouring your marriage covenant.

When a married couple’s relationship goes bad the desire to get out can be tempting. When your husband or wife is the source of your unhappiness it seems obvious that getting away from them will improve your quality of life. This conclusion often leads to separation and separation often leads to divorce, but divorce seldom leads to the happiness that was desired.

The most unhappy of these marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier. A team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married. In fact for two-thirds of the unhappily married spouses who stayed married their marriages improved reporting that their marriages were happy five years later. The most unhappy of these marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

It seems the divorce assumption is incorrect. Unhappily married spouses are not condemned to stay married and miserable. If they stay committed to their relationship, whatever their present level of unhappiness, in time the result will be that they become happy in their marriage relationship. If however they choose to divorce the study suggests they have placed themselves on path that will not result in happiness.

Marriage is a covenant. For Lainey and I we understand that this means we are Married for Life. Our understanding of covenant is the thing that provokes us to get past temporary hurts, disappointments, mis-understandings instead of giving in and giving up on each other. Knowing our marriage is a covenant gives us security that we will always be together “... for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, until death us do part” were the words we used ... and we still mean them. When we get upset with each other our covenant causes us to work through the issues instead of packing our bags and moving on to a different relationship. Our children are secure also knowing that they will always have a father and a mother and a place to call home ... they have enough worries with friends, school, their image, their future.

... she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Malachi 2:14 (Second part)

7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  Mark 10

The potential for misunderstanding within a marriage relationship is huge. When our lives are so intimately entwined it is so easy to say something in the wrong way or to misunderstand something our spouse said. For Lainey and I it is no different, sometimes it is really hard to ‘keep up’ with the direction a conversation is taking. Sometimes it feels like we are speaking a different language to one another. The potential to hurt each other through the words we speak should never be under-estimated!

On the other hand though there is the power of covenant! Lainey and I both understand that through our marriage we are in a covenant, we are covenant partners! As a covenant partner I understand that her life is my life and my life is her life and because of the strength of our covenant with each other it is unlikely that Lainey would do anything to wilfully hurt me.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5

The potential for misunderstanding in a marriage is huge ... but for those who understand covenant the opportunity for a misunderstanding to hurt us is incredibly small! If Lainey says something and I am hurt by it, I only have to remember our covenant and understand that Lainey is unlikely to have said something to wilfully bring me down. I then know that either I have misunderstood what Lainey said, or that Lainey has mis-communicated whatever she had meant to say. Questions follow to bring understanding and healing.

Of course I could choose to be offended anyway, regardless of my understanding of covenant. I could allow myself to be hurt when hurt was never intended. But that would just be stupid wouldn’t it? None of us would ever let that happen ... would we?

There are so many things that we need to get done in this house. Many of them will cost quite a bit too! One thing is for sure, at the moment we can’t afford them all. It is also clear that some of the improvements I think are important to tackle are less important from Lainey’s perspective. Also some of her priorities I think we could do without. So what should we do? Argue until one or the other of us wears the other down? How about just going out and getting the jobs I see as most important done regardless of what Lainey thinks? Both of these routes are sure to damage our marriage. The first will destroy relationship, the latter will bring distrust and financial hardship as I commit scarce funds in the wrong areas. The best thing Lainey and I can do is to get on our knees and pray for God’s leading. After all He knows the end from the beginning. He also cares about us, how we live and the things we need. If anyone knows which improvements are important and how our financial future looks it is Him.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6.

As we seek God for direction and lay down our own agendas God leads us in His perfect peace. Reaching agreement with each other is one of the key principles taught in the Christian marriage course 'Married for Life'.

To have a successful marriage requires more than give and take! To really succeed the focus needs to be giving. One of the key principles in the Married for Life course is preferring your spouse above yourself. It’s a difficult principle to put in place but through the course it is reinforced and you hear examples from those who overcome in this area. To love my wife in the same way as I love myself is probably the single-most important principle that I can strive to excel in. I suppose that is why the Bible has a whole verse encouraging just this.

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5.

Although it is difficult to continuously succeed the times I do manage to prefer Lainey and her needs pay such large rewards!

Truthfully ... at times I struggle. Then most things in my life feel difficult, a struggle. It’s at times like those when I appreciate my wife more. I don’t like her having to take up the slack but I am so thankful that she does. And there have been times when the boot was on the other foot. Guess that’s the beauty in a marriage.

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4

The trick is to examine yourself when your marriage relationship feels uncomfortable. What is it in you that is making this feel wrong? Is it just that you’re not getting your way? That’s a good result because life is not all about you and if we realise this and take an interest in those about us then we become better examples of God’s love for those around us. This leads to a greater Christian experience.

2 Corinthians 5:20 (New International Version)

We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.

It is good to not be so self-focussed that we miss opportunities to share in the lives of those around us. To share their successes, their joy, their pain ... failures. To be a friend when times are tough. To share our experiences and learn from the experiences of others.

The thing is no-one has the perfect marriage, not all the time anyway. From time to time we feel more content with our relationship than at other times but to have a blissful marriage at all times ... well that is impossible. It’s also not the point of marriage. Marriage is not there to make you feel happy, comfortable, at ease. It’s there to challenge you, to provoke you, to cause you to be better, to be less selfish. Of course having a partner in life makes getting through life easier ... most of the time. Then the other times, the times when being married seems to make life more challenging, are good too, although it never seems like that at the time.

Proverbs 27:17 (New International Version)

As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.