Expat Marriage

Johnson Oatman Jr. wrote a song in 1897 that is still sung today, it is entitled "Count your blessings" he challenges us to name them one by one. The song might be old but the message really hit home to me when I was able to visit my parents.

I experienced a shock when I realized that it had been two years since my last visit home. So much time had swept by and I really hadn't stood still for long enough to realize it. As I visited with my parents I realized the importance of precious times like these, times of refreshing. A big blessing to count!

Roy wasn't able to accompany me on the trip but it did help our relationship. It helped us take stock of how much we mean to each other, of how we flow so much as a team that it seems strange to be apart. It helped us both to place more value on what each of us brings to this marriage. We don't have to be exactly alike to make a marriage work; in fact our strength as a couple often comes from blending our differences together.

On this trip I was speaking in my Father and Mother's church. Roy and I had worked together to prepare a power point presentation, Roy being strong on the technical side of things saved it in three different formats so that it would work on any machine. It didn't. I thought I would just give him a call and my cell phone didn't work. We usually speak together, I was on my own. Through the experience God taught me to really appreciate Roy's strengths. He also reminded me though that it was important to lean on Him not only on Roy.

Roy meanwhile was trying to juggle work, looking after 3 kids, helping with homework, cooking and cleaning. Let's just say the appreciation was mutual!

If you haven't taken time lately to celebrate your differences, appreciate each other and count your blessings why not take some time out to do that today.

Count Your Blessings
Johnson Oatman Jr

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Refrain

There are many times during the year when it hits home that you are an expat, Christmas happens to be one of them. There are many things we miss about the way we were able to celebrate Christmas when we lived in Britain. Of course foremost in our mind at this time of the year are the loved ones who will celebrate Christmas without us however internet technology has been a huge help in keeping us connected. We also have started sending more e-cards because sending cards abroad is really expensive.

For some expats the first year is a honeymoon period where everything is novel and they love the rich experience of everything being new and different. Unfortunately our first Christmas wasn’t like that as were experiencing culture clash at about that time. Add to this the stress of trying our best to recreate a traditional Christmas for the kids.

One of the main difficulties was that we couldn’t find many of the traditional food items in the stores and when we could find them we often found that since they were imported there was an extortionate price tag attached. That first Christmas was saved by another expat family who invited us to spend Christmas day with them and since they had much more experience in the Christmas hunting arena we enjoyed many of the foods we had developed a longing for. For those of you who aren’t expats and don’t know what we are talking about try imagining Christmas without …

Christmas Crackers, Roast Turkey, Bisto Gravy, Cranberry Sauce, Sage and Onion Stuffing, Mince Pies, Christmas Cake, Christmas Pudding, Custard and Cadbury’s chocolate.

A Christmas tree available before the 24th of December Hot chocolate with marshmallows Ginger Cordial Christmas Stockings Tetley Tea What makes Christmas, Christmas? We have learnt that in order to enjoy Christmas as an expat, in a different culture you need to identify the things that are important about Christmas celebrations in your native culture and do what you can to improvise and make those happen. Everything else that you are used to you have to just let go of. Rather than concentrating on all the things we miss we are trying to enrich our Christmas by adding Hungarian things to our Christmas celebration. We have started to create our own family traditions and that has helped us to change our focus. Instead of longing for things we can’t get we now look forward to the unique things we can enjoy here. We experienced one of these new things this year when Christmas started with a visit to some of our neighbours to light the first advent candle and spend time together. During the evening we all sang traditional Christmas songs in Hungarian, German, Finnish and English. It was a lovely experience and one we would certainly like to repeat.

Part of our Christmas celebration now includes a walk through the Advent market in our city. The lights in the city are particularly beautiful and we love the atmosphere. We also love the variety of food stalls and now we wait in eager anticipation for the advent markets to open. There is a general buzz around us of Hungarian voices and sometimes Slovak or German voices too.

The 6th of December Mikulás Nap, or Santa’s Day.

Unlike most of the west, in Hungary Santa hardly features at all. He doesn’t come on Christmas Eve instead he comes on the 6th of December generally bringing chocolate. It didn’t take too long before we found out about Mikulás and his dark side-kick Krampusz. Like every expat we needed to make a decision about which traditions we would like to embrace and in our case we decided that since Mikulás nap fell on Roy’s birthday we would focus on the birthday celebration instead but taking the bits of Mikulás nap that we would enjoy. This means we all get chocolate on Roy’s birthday and if we go to a restaurant to celebrate we usually have to sing a Christmas song for some sweets at the end of the meal. It has made Roy’s birthday pretty unique!

Christmas Carol Service

We have a number of expat friends in our local area. Together we have planned a Christmas Carol Service so that we can celebrate Christmas together; plenty of Hungarians are going to join us too!

We don’t call Christmas a “winter holiday” because for us there is only one reason we have a holiday at this time of year and that is because of the birth of Jesus. Christmas just isn’t Christmas if we leave Christ out of it.

We thank God that our hearts have changed so much since the lonely first year. Now we are struggling to fit time with everyone we know in. The Ebenezer Scrooge within has finally been transformed. What he liked best was to "edge his way along the crowded paths of life, warning all human sympathy to keep its distance." He lived his life at arm's length. As expats we can do the same but we need to be willing to embrace change, celebrating the old and welcoming the new.

Interestingly just as we were about to post to the web a package arrived from England. A good friend decided we needed some Christmas treats! We were delighted to find this Christmas won’t be without Christmas pudding, Gravy, Cadbury’s chocolate or Tetley Tea, there were lots of other goodies too. We are amazingly blessed with wonderful friends from around the world.

Yes I know it is supposed to be the geese are getting fat but this is no mistake. Our cat is certainly piling on the pounds and there is one main reason. Our daughter Erin absolutely adores him and thinks that the best way to show her love is by feeding him. We are proud owners of a slightly obese cat who needs to be put on a diet as soon as possible.

Today I looked at Zorro's portly belly and remembered back to the words of wisdom that were spoken to us by another family who had been in the expat position. They told us that it was important to keep as many things as normal as possible for the kids, if they were used to having pets they needed to have pets. Even with these words of wisdom our "logic" kicked in with many reasons why getting a pet during this season was not logical. "We travel a lot", "We haven't the security of a permanent home", "We should wait until we are more established here" were some of the many excuses we used.

One day our neighbours, an elderly Hungarian couple, showed us "their" new kitten. It was a beautiful little black "spitfire". They then produced a box put the kitten in it and passed it over the fence. They told us that the kids needed a pet, they knew we travelled but they would look after it any time we were speaking somewhere. This process sounds easier than it actually was, I should add that they don't speak any English and I used the "phone a friend" option in case I had misheard and they just wanted us to look after their cat for a few days.

The bottom line is when you are in new circumstances it is good to listen to the wisdom of others. That kitten really lit up our children's lives. They have been much more settled and content now that we have some sense of "normality" in our home. The outflow of that has been much less stress for us all. When the children are unhappy or under pressure then we feel the consequences, pressure in our marriage. Pressure in our marriage can come from many sources our children being a primary source. It is easy to become distressed when you see your decisions causing the kids pain. When you are living in another country, when you are dealing with another language, another culture and another school system it is easy to succumb to stress. The person who gets the "outflow" from that stress is often our spouse.

A long time ago we wrote an article called "Stress Busting Your Marriage" but it is so easy to get so caught up in what is happening around us that we forget the things we "know". One thing I can say is that I have started to learn from our cat, he is never stressed, he takes time to rest, he knows hugs are a high priority.

Matthew 6:25 -34 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

As well as checking out "Stress Busting Your Marriage" You might also want to check out the "Marriage Stress Test".

The following is an extract from my daily reading "UCB Word for Today".

"We all suffer from something psychologists call 'fundamental attribution error.' It works like this: if something good happens in my life I tend to explain it by taking credit for it. But if I fail, I explain it by blaming my circumstances. If I do well on a test I think it's because I'm smart; if I do poorly, it's because I was distracted. If people like my sermon it's because I'm a good preacher; if they don't, it's because they're too shallow. What makes the fundamental attribution error even worse is the way we explain the behaviour of other people. While explaining our own bad behaviour in terms of mitigating circumstances, we say other people's bad behaviour would exhaust the patience of Job. If I get a speeding ticket, it's because the police needed to fill their quota so they set up a trap when they should have been out catching criminals. If you get a speeding ticket, it shows you're not qualified to be behind the wheel. What's the solution to the fundamental attribution error? The way of grace and repentance. We need God's help to see the truth about ourselves. And He gives it to us in three ways: a) Through prayer b) Through reading and applying His Word c) Through people who love and know us well; people who don't tell us what we want to hear but what we need to hear."

So what does that mean to an expat? We could add. "If we have a problem with communication it is because the Hungarian's in this area don't speak English, not because we don't speak Hungarian well. If we didn't understand it was because someone was muttering not because we weren't listening."  We have a bad case of "FAES" the "Fundamental Attribution Error Syndrome".

The same thing is also true of our relationship with each other. It is so easy to fall into the trap of judging ourselves by our intentions and our spouse by their actions. If I don't do something it is because I am exhausted, if they don't do something it is because they are lazy. It's a good idea to periodically look in the mirror - and wear our glasses! Let's not fall into the "fundamental attribution error" trap.

Matthew 7:2-4 (New International Version)                  

²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

 ³"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

Walking up the stairs to our home the kids stopped and were fascinated by a snake lying in the grass sunning himself. He wasn’t very big and we were looking at the markings trying to work out what sort of snake he was. When the snake started to slither towards an open window then it wasn’t so much fun. The window had been open for a while, something had happened to the catch and it needed fixed so we couldn’t just run in and shut it. When the snake managed to manoeuvre into the window then we knew we were in trouble!

On the inside the family scattered in different directions trying to find an object to contain the snake. We hoped it would go back out of the same window by itself. Instead it found a small hole, just large enough for it to fit through and went right into the wall cavity! It seemed that all we could do was wait, and wait. Finally it made a reappearance and like Elvis he left the building. Roy and Ryan quickly fixed the window problem. It is firmly shut and locked.

The experience made me think how many times in our lives we leave “windows” open for the enemy to come in and cause havoc in our homes. One of our weaknesses recently has been a lack of time. It seems that we are always too busy and certainly too busy to complete maintenance tasks. When that “window” is left open the enemy comes in and causes strife and conflict in our marriage. Slowing down and resting isn’t sinful, it is needful.

1 Peter 5:8-9

Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith.

One of the lesser known problems of living in Hungary is something the Hungarians call the "kullancs" it is a small tick which usually lives in forests or fields. It is normally the size of the head of a pin but such a small thing can cause a big problem. They spread encephalitis, meningitis and Lyme disease.

This morning the kids are due to go to our Doctor's for a second injection against the viruses they carry. It isn't a one off thing; they will periodically need another booster injection. Occasionally Roy and I have found one trying to dig its way into our skin. They are very small, very hard to find and often you don't realise it is there until it starts to hurt.

Many problems in our relationship happen the same way, they start out very small. Often it is hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem is until it starts to hurt or until we start to hurt each other. The cause is often linked back to parasites that try and steal our time.  The impact of these parasites can cause our relationship to become unhealthy.

Prevention is better than cure! How do you prevent these "kullancs" from destroying your marriage? Roy and I sit down together and talk about "time stealers" and "background stresses".  Sometimes there are easy solutions and sometimes there aren't. We know everything feels so much worse if we don't get to spend quality time together and so often that is the first thing that gets neglected when Hungarian lessons, work, calls etc come crowding in. We now know what most of these triggers are but still need "boosters" to help our relationship maintain a healthy footing.

If you are living abroad or even in your own nation do a "tick check" and make sure that parasites aren't poisoning your relationship!

3 John 1:1-3 Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.

LOOK UP

When Abraham was faced with the impossible God told him to "Look up" Genesis 15:5. It was important for Abraham to a have a daily reminder of what God said and he was believing for. In this case God had told him that his inheritance would be like the stars. Every time he looked in the sky he could see a "vision" of the future.

It is good to keep the goal in mind when the going seems tough. Our lives in Hungary have been filled with a mixture of successes and failures. On the same day we can have a conversation with someone in Hungarian, understand every word and make ourselves understood then we talk to someone else, understand nothing and are unintelligible.

Winston Churchill once said, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Courage is essential to living on foreign soil, without it we could easily raise the white flag and retreat. In those times where we lack courage we have learned to encourage each other. We remind each other of the goal, we remind each other that we shouldn't look at our feet, we shouldn't look back but we should "look up."

We look up knowing that the completing the vision isn't something we can do by ourselves. God shows us the path we should walk in but it is only with His help that we will get there.

Phil 3 vs 13,14

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Heb 12 vs 1,2

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

DON'T LOOK BACK

The temptation to "look back" hits very soon after arriving in a new country, everything is new and often difficult. We counted the cost before we left for Hungary, we knew we were giving up stability, jobs, our home and our comfort. This included our comfort in communication.  A few months after arriving in Hungary I had the unpleasant experience of hitting a pothole in the road that caused my tyre to blow. I suddenly realised that I didn't know any relevant words for this situation. To rub salt into the wound the spare tyre was damaged too and utterly useless. A gentleman stopped to help me change the tyre but I simply could not communicate that changing the tyre wouldn't help.

This situation started a trail of thinking that wasn't helpful. "If I was back home I could get help", "If I was back home I could phone the mechanic", "If I was back home I would know where there was a mechanic", "If I was back home I would know the word for mechanic"! Very quickly the "If I was back home" changed to "If only I was back home".

It is dangerous to look back with regret. It leads us into a place of paralysis and prevents us from moving forward with our lives. The fear of the future seems greater when we remember the comfort of the known. A path that hasn't yet been trampled may hold more danger than one that is well worn.

If we do choose to look back we try not to use comparison between the old and the new but instead we remember how God has met our every need, our need for friendship and provision.

Lot and his family were told "Don't Look Back" Genesis 19:17. It was good advice!

Reflecting back on the last two years in Hungary we have certainly experienced some unsettledness. At times the "soil" has shifted so significantly that it has felt like we were going to fall. The economic climate, fluctuation in our funds and the exchange rate have all been factors that have caused us to feel less stable, less secure.

When we have been insecure in our situation here the impact on our children has been huge. We can see them shift from being contented to nervous and tense kids who look like they are carrying the world on their shoulders. Probably the cause of most stress has been our housing situation, renting a house that the owners want to sell. The solution presented itself in buying the house, easier said than done. Cutting through the red tape in Hungary is like slicing through raw meat with a plastic knife. Difficult, not impossible but a bit wobbly at times!

DON'T LOOK AT YOUR FEET

One key thing we have learned is that when the soil is shifting don't look at your feet. I first learned this when we were living in Colorado. The family decided to make the most of living close to the mountains and we embarked the adventure of learning to ski. I wasn't blessed with sporting ability or grace so if you can imagine Bambi on ice you will get a clear picture of how I looked that first day on the snow. Roy and the kids were soon skiing with ease while I was still on the "bunny hill" and didn't want to move. My instructor told me that my main problem was that I kept looking at my feet. I lacked the confidence to look anywhere else.

After the lesson Roy went on the same slope with me. He went ahead of me and kept encouraging me to look at him. As long as I kept my focus on Roy I kept upright, if I looked at my feet I soon ended up flat in the snow.

In Hungary I don't look to Roy for my stability, but I have learned not to look at my feet. If we only look at each other in tough circumstances sooner or later we will meet with disappointment. We are only human after all! If we learn to keep our eyes fixed on God then, regardless of what we have to walk through, we can walk with confidence.

"I look to you for help, O Sovereign Lord. You are my refuge." Psalm 141:8