Expat Marriage

When we live and work in a fast moving society it is easy to neglect the important things. People who skip breakfast don’t realise the negative impact on their metabolism or the increased temptation to snack during the day. So what has that got to do with marriage?

Many marriages are unhealthy because the couple live as “married singles”. Their lives go in two different directions and are so fast paced that it can be difficult to find time for one another. They skip “breakfast” by rushing off to work without acknowledging the presence of their spouse.

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  Try getting up 10 minutes earlier and spending time talking over breakfast. (Try not to make this a list of complaints about everything you have to do that day).
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  You might be a bit bleary eyed but investing time praying for the day ahead is an even better way launch into the working day.
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  Don’t leave home without giving each other a hug and a kiss.
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  Make it a daily habit to express your love. Instead of “Bye, see you later” try telling your spouse you love them and will miss them.

My last blog defined a naked marriage as one which had been stripped of its support network, a marriage without embellishments. Taking a closer look at your marriage can help you see where you need to concentrate your efforts.

“Can you pinch more than an inch”?

All diets usually start out with some sort of measuring system. People either stand on scales and weigh themselves or their grab a tape measure. Some people even go to the extreme of using callipers to measure their fat ratio. This is a much better and more scientific approach than the method I used to use. I remember drawing myself but the result was not an accurate reflection it was an exaggerated caricature of all my faults.

Men and women can approach marriage in a similar fashion. Rather than taking an accurate measurement of the condition of the marriage they resort to the old and unreliable self-portrait method. When you use this method you take one of two approaches. You either look at yourself too optimistically or too pessimistically. That is why couples who go for marriage counselling often answer questions about their marriage so differently that you wonder if they are actually married to each other. Are you exaggerating the flaws or ignoring them?  Are you placing all the blame on your spouse?

I recently read an article that quoted Anouk Turksma as saying, “Being abroad shows people their “naked” marriage without the web of family, long-time friends and a known place in society around it”. All the other expats out there would probably agree. The question is ... What do we do about what we see?

Roy and I have been married over 22 years, we were married at the respective ages of 21 and 20. 22 years later we have piled on a few pounds and don’t look like we used to when we were first wed. Last year we stopped ignoring the problem and started investigating the best way to do something about it. We ignored the fact that many people thought we should just live with the way we were and accept that we would get flabbier the older we get. We are still a long way from having the figures we want but certainly are happy with the improvements. The progress we have seen has given us the incentive to keep going.

Many people treat marriage the same way. People expect the relationship to sour a little to get a little flabby around the middle the longer it lasts. The lie is that we can do nothing about it. Thankfully our “naked” marriage doesn’t have to look terrible! For Roy and I our marriage has improved greatly over the years, that is because we have deliberately kept it in trim.

Naked Marriage Diet Tip 1

Some fellow dieters might remember the phrase “A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips”. It is a good principle to follow in marriage if you don’t want to see curves in the wrong places. What you say has a powerful effect. We often speak words we expect our partner to digest but we would struggle if they said the same things to us. It is important to build your spouse up with encouraging words (not sickly sweet flattery or bitter name calling).

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

I remember the first time I tried to follow a set of instructions in Hungarian on a packet mix I almost cried. Hours later and I still wasn’t sure what to do with it and I resorted to guess work.

A few days ago I filled in a form and resorted to guess work for the fields I wasn’t quite sure about. This probably isn’t the wisest strategy if it is a very important document but I thought it was okay on the one I was filling in. I only realised when my son was filling in forms for his exams here in Hungary that “F” is for “férfi” which is male not for “female”! This is where guess work doesn’t work well!

In marriage we can struggle with communication. You think you understand what your spouse is communicating and might fully understand 40%, 60% or even 80% but guess work fills in the gaps. The guess work is what often gets us into relationship difficulties.

Somewhere between the man and woman I am sure there is an invisible wall. The wall absorbs sounds, twists and warps them a little and sends them in the direction of your spouse. What you said and what they hear are now two entirely different things.

It might be easy for those who remember the game Chinese Whispers to call this wall the Wall of Whispers. We hear words in our hearts which were never spoken but we are convinced they came from our spouse.

Our spouse says, “The dress is expensive” the words pass through the Wall of Whispers and distorts the message to say “you aren’t worth it”.  Your spouse says, “You aren’t home often enough” they mean “I would like to spend more time with you” but the Wall
of Whispers distorts the message and says, “You are a disappointment”.

Tear down the Wall of Whispers today by clarifying what you mean and removing the guess work.

Proverbs 2:2 So that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding.

We have had on-going heating problems for quite a while. As the temperature began to fall we found it was increasingly difficult to
cope.  It turned out that not only did we need our heating fixed but we needed a serious upgrade.

How many couples find that their love grows cold over time? When our heating wasn’t working it was physically very difficult to get through
the normal things we had to do every day. Everything was much more difficult. I found I was getting quite self-centred as I would sit with my blanket wrapped protectively around me.

We can do the same thing emotionally when something goes wrong in our relationship. The protective blanket comes out and we start to
focus on ourselves and our own needs rather than the needs of others. When you find yourself in that position don’t just allow yourself to become colder and colder do something! Get your heating system
fixed.

• Check you are plugged in. You need to maintain your relationship with God. Expat or otherwise if our relationship with God grows cold it impacts all other relationships.
• Check for leaks. Are there areas in your life that are causing damage to your relationship? It may be that you are not investing enough time in each other.
• Get an upgrade. Perhaps you need to boost your relationship by upgrading your communication. Consider doing a marriage course like the Married for Life course to learn how to put heat back in your relationship or raise the temperature!

Now we are in a warm cosy home with the heating working well. It is amazing how different our emotional environment has become as a
result.  I trust you will experience the same thing in your home as a result of God bringing the heat back into your marriage.

Matthew 24:12-13

And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.

You may think I am going to write about the principle of resisting the temptation to retaliate (Matthew 5) but instead of being hit on both cheeks in Hungary you are more likely to be kissed on both cheeks.

The double kiss is a greeting for family, friends and acquaintances. As an expat family the familiarity of greeting someone (including relative strangers) with a kiss never mind a double kiss was a little daunting.

Each culture has its own space bubble. This circle defines our boundaries and our level of discomfort increases when anyone violates the bubble.

Accepting the new culture is a matter of choice. In my case I offered one cheek and then thought “okay turn the other cheek”.  Now turning the other cheek is within my comfort zone, in fact I find myself a little concerned if someone does not greet me in this way.

Even in marriage we can create our own “space bubble”. Our “bubble” is the area surrounding us that we consider to be ours. We have a wide circle which is public space, the next is social space, closer still is personal space and then we have what is termed as “intimate space”.

While each relationship does need boundaries not all boundaries are healthy. It may be that some of the walls we have built to keep us safe are detrimental to our relationship. Often we are happy for our spouse to come closer to us physically but we shy away from being emotionally intimate. We need to step outside our comfort zone to talk about issues we would usually avoid.

Moving abroad can cause couples to become distant with each other and a couple will need to work harder to keep communication lines open. Don’t be tempted to shut each other out because life is more stressful or complicated.

So when your spouse wants to kiss your cheek turn the other cheek too … allow them into your space bubble!

Anyone living in a hot climate knows the welcome relief air conditioning can bring. They may also know just how oppressive it can be when there isn’t any air conditioning. Unfortunately our car decided that removing the heat from inside the vehicle was a little too much for it. As temperatures increased during the summer we started to empathize with Shadrach, Meshech and Abednego wanting to escape the fiery furnace.

Sometimes life as an expat can feel a little overwhelming. There is a level of constant discomfort akin to living without air conditioning. That doesn’t mean that you can’t do something to alleviate the stress.

1. Don’t snap! When we feel stress we can become irritable and our spouse can experience us at our worst. This will make an uncomfortable situation even worse.
2. Take time to cool off. Don’t allow yourself to have a knee jerk reaction to the things you are experience. Find time to reflect on the situation and cool off before you deal with any problems which may have arisen.
3. Go to the basement. Our home has a cool basement; in it we can experience some relief from the high temperatures. In married life it is important to find things you can do together which are fun. As you adjust to life in another country the fun element can be ignored as you focus on survival. Find something you can do together which both of you find enjoyable.
4. Find ways to take care of each other.  On missionary training we remember doing a group exercise to see how we would cope under stressful conditions. We were divided into two groups and put into a confined, hot room. The two groups responded differently to the circumstances. One group squabbled and disagreed, the other group cared for each other finding cardboard to fan each other and make it more pleasant. When we live under pressure it is especially important to find ways to care for each other.

John 13:34                             

 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Romans 12:10

 Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.

2 Corinthians 13:11

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

This morning we had the challenge of removing some logs from between the old house and the garage where they had been lying for the last four years. They had stayed put simply because they were really heavy and we simply didn’t know what to do with them.

As I looked at the logs it reminded me of the plank and sawdust syndrome (Matthew 7:3-5) which can be magnified when you live abroad. Many couples have this problem even when they live on their own soil! We may criticize our spouse regarding issues in their life when we have issues in our own.

When I read this passage in The Message version I found it pretty helpful.

A Simple Guide for Behavior

 1-5 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbour’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole travelling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbour.

Do you ever feel that you have been shipwrecked and ended up on a desert island? You are surrounded by people yet still have a deep sense of loneliness. If so then you are going through what many expats experience when they are first shipped abroad.

Identifying our needs can be a huge help in finding our feet on foreign soil. We do need to recognise that we may not share the same priorities as our spouse.  Perhaps there is something we place as a high priority but our spouse doesn’t rate it as important at all. Remember many couples meet the experience of living abroad from very different perspectives. You may be enjoying the challenges every new day brings while your spouse is miserable and longs for security.

It is important to talk about what is top of your priority list. When we were on missionary training we were asked to identify five things we couldn’t live without, (assuming that the spiritual aspect is already your top priority).

This isn’t a “Desert Island Discs” list. It is a list of those things that are essential to your survival and sanity living abroad. Here are my top 5

1. Communication – The need to reconnect with home and also connect with the locals.
2. Transportation – I don’t like to feel as though I am stranded.
3. Community – It is important I feel part of life around me.
4. Countryside – This is my escape when things get stressful.
5. Security – Knowing that we were safe and that our kids were safe (especially when they were travelling to school).

Roy’s top five are quite different. What are your top five?

BritishExpats.com recently wrote an article about the concerns of the Foreign Office regarding Brits visiting relatives abroad. With over 5 million British Expats it isn’t surprising that a hoard of relatives set off to sunnier climes each year.

The Foreign Office’s concern is that buying Travel Insurance rated as a lower priority than bringing some teabags for their host. As an expat, and a very grateful teabag recipient, it did make me reflect on how we can easily get our priorities confused.

Perhaps we also need to examine our priorities in marriage. Going out for a meal does have benefits but don’t neglect taking out some long term insurance. Sign up for a marriage course such as Married for Life to make sure that you have the tools to get through every circumstance life throws at you.

⁶ Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
⁷ The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.