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Solving Problems in Blended Families

With so many new stepfamilies being formed daily, many people are facing daily unique family problems they have never faced before.  Blending families is not easy and it isn’t for the faint of heart.  It requires a level of commitment that goes beyond marrying for the first time with no children.  Here are some basic, initial questions that blended families must face.

What are the primary problems facing blended families?

Human relationships are complex.  Every experience of a person’s life, good or bad, is carried into the marriage.  Each person has lived their own life, so their story is different from their spouse’s.  They may share some commonality, but their individual lives are distinctly different.  Couples are faced with the enormous task of learning about each other in the changing climate of matrimony.  Love and commitment are ingredients of the glue that holds them together, with the chief ingredient being the Holy Spirit.

When children arrive, different stresses arrive along with them.  In addition to learning how to relate to the new arrival, couples must cope with differing ideologies of parenting.  They must work together to come into agreement regarding how to be parents.  Children don’t view their parent’s marriage in the same way their parents do.  In fact, children often blame themselves if the marriage is stormy and ends in divorce, or if a parent dies as a result of suicide.

Children become accustomed to the environment in which they’re raised.  Therefore, if the children are put into a new family with a new parent and new siblings, the environment has changed.  Now, uncertainty clouds their lives and they have to learn how to cope with the new family environment.  Thus we see that when a new blended family is created, numerous dynamics are present:

Parents are learning how to relate to each other.

Children are learning how to relate to parents (including the new partner).

Children are learning how to relate to each other.

The family is learning how to be a family.

Is there a key to solving these problems?

Every problem has at least one solution.  Blended family issues are no different.  The key is to stay in the process while the solution is worked out.  Too often, people bail out when things heat up instead of working through the issues for the family’s common good.  Blended families present complex issues of relationships being created, nurtured, and established.  Therefore, it’s important to build an environment where the family can become a unit, a whole, and cease to be fragmented or segregated.  Love is foundational for any family to exist.  Blended families must decide on living out a covenant of love for one another grounded in God’s covenant love for us as His children.

Where does God fit in for a blended family?

Families are most successful with God recognized as Head of the household and duly worshipped.  When we invite the Lord into our families, we ask the One who created families in the beginning to partner with us in building ours.  The Holy Spirit acts as a binding force to keep a family together.  His unique perspective in our lives provides guidance and direction as we navigate the narrow passages of blended families.  The Holy Spirit encourages couples into agreement regarding the challenges of parenting stepchildren and growing in companionship with each other.  Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? (Amos 3:3 NKJV)

What role does communication play?

Challenges are part and parcel to the territory of blended families.  However, the biggest problem couples face is communicating properly with each other and with their new family.  Therefore, it’s of paramount importance for issues to be clarified so everyone is on the same page and has complete understanding.  Important areas of communication include:

• Clarifying the role of each parent
• Agreeing upon and establishing boundaries and rules of the household
• Setting priorities as a family

(We) can do all things through Christ who strengthens (us). (Phil. 4:13 NKJV)

At times, we feel like giving up.  What do we do then?

The key to success lies in staying the course and not giving up.  This is especially important when times get rough and it seems that the family may not meld together.  Don’t quit!  Hang in there and love your family.  They’re worth fighting for.

Don’t be afraid of the enemy!  Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious,
and fight for your friends, your families and your homes! (Neh. 4:14 NLT)

What else can help us work through our problems?

Nothing happens without prayer.  Communing with God enables you to overcome the petty irritations that threaten to grow into large issues.  The Lord will help you see what’s important and what isn’t.  Talk to Him daily and let Him guide you through the maze of choices and decisions that you must make.  He promised to help you.  So let Him.

I’ll be with you.  I won’t give up on you.  I won’t leave you. (Joshua 1:5 MSG)

Blended families are unique and special.  Furthermore, you, as a stepparent, have the wonderful opportunity to sow into the life of a child you may never have known otherwise.  This is important, because God has entrusted you with the task of instilling godly values by demonstrating a godly life to your children.  Handle them with care.  Most of all, love your spouse and love your children.  They’re God’s gift to you.