Reflections on How to Say No to Your KidsSetting Boundaries in a Culture of Excess
During the holidays, the annual decisions about gift-giving confront every parent. Perhaps during this immediate past Christmas, you faced the challenges of gift-giving with your children. Grandparents also face the challenges of gifts for the married children and their families particularly as the number of family members increase and the budget may decrease. Children are always bombarded with commercials on TV manipulating them to want many different video games, iPods, toys, clothes, sporting products and the latest electronic music, computer and media inventions. What’s a parent to do?
A fascinating article, “How to Say ‘NO’ to Your Kids,” in Newsweek (9/13/04), discussed how parents can set limits and learn to say ‘no’ in our age of material excesses. This timely feature gives us a platform for biblical reflections within the context of surviving another holiday gift season. Here are some important facts and responses for every parent to consider.
Responsibilities at Home are Important.
Fact: 75% of parents say their kids do fewer chores than children 10 or 15 years ago.
Quote: ‘But kids who have no responsibilities never learn one of life’s most basic lessons; that every individual can be of service to others and that life has meaning beyond one’s own immediate happiness.’
Reflection: The Bible instructs us to ‘train’ our children (Prov. 22:6). Training involves teaching them responsibilities within the family that contribute both to the whole family as well as to each family member. We are interdependent in our families; we need each other.
Wanting New Stuff.
Fact: A survey of grade-school children found that when they crave something new, most expect to ask nine times before their parents give in.
Quote: ‘In their zeal to make their kids happy, parents fail to impart the very values they say they want to teach.’
Reflection: We must learn to say no. (Read the sidebar with this article by Jean Clarke). Jesus commands us to let our yes be yes and our no be no. (Matt. 5:37) In other words, mean what you say the first time and let your children know that you mean it. If you give boundaries with warnings of consequences, then follow through with those consequences immediately instead of procrastinating. Your delay invites more ‘pushing the envelope’ from your children.
Kids' Spending Habits.
Facts: Market researchers tell us that 2 to 23 year olds spend $53.8 billion annually on entertainment, personal care items and reading materials for their children. This is $17.6 billion more than parents spent in 1997. And what’s more…
- In 2003, 12-19 year olds spent roughly $175 billion – more than triple what they spent in 1997 according to Research Unlimited.
- The
American
Academy of Pediatrics reports that the average American child sees more than 40,000 commercials per year.
- 73% of parents say today’s kids are too focused on buying and consuming things.
Quotes: ‘Experts agree: too much love won’t spoil a child, but too few limits will.’
- Psychologists like
Temple
University ’s Steinbert say, ‘Children need limits on their behavior because they feel better and more secure when they live within a certain structure.’
- “Children learn self-control by watching how other people behave, especially their parents.’
Reflection: Parents are the examples for their children. Paul asks others to ‘follow his example as he follows Christ’ (1 Cor. 11:1). Children ultimately value and do what their parents model. What kind of spending example are you setting for your children? How much do you value stuff or the lasting values and relationships of life?
When is Giving in Excess?
Facts: The American Society of Professional Education launched a seminar for mental health professionals (including psychologists, social workers, family therapists and school counselors) to learn about dealing with over indulged kids and their ‘enabling parents.’ Demand was so great that the $169 daylong seminar was repeated more than 305 times last year. The seminar has been in every state except
Montana . 30% of parents say that brand preference is of ‘major importance’ when buying for kids.
Quote: Concerned mothers in
Eden Prairie, MN asked, “How do we keep grandparents from buying and buying? How many birthday gifts should my kid get? How many Game Boys are enough?”
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How do we know when parents are giving too much stuff to their kids?
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When every new thing leads to demands for more.
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Whether or not a child’s sense of worth is wrapped up in what he or she has.
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If buying another thing leads (the parent) to resentment or anger, then it’s time to make some changes.
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How do parents hold the line when they set limits?
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Have a family meeting that lays out values.
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Write down the limits and post them on the refrigerator.
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Give the child an allowance and he/she spends within it.
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Mean ‘no’ when you say ‘no’.
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If your kids believe things will make them happy, ask them this: “What was the last thing you wanted and got? How long did it make you happy?” – Thomas Lickona (Penn)
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Trust your common sense. Live a simple life, live a compassionate life, be kind, be patient, take care of other people. Be useful, delay gratification; don’t be greedy. –Mary Piper, professor and bestselling author of “Reviving Ophelia.”
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Kids who get too much too soon often have trouble coping with the inevitable ups and downs of life. No kid spoils himself. –Ann Murphy, former editor of Parents Magazine.
Reflections: As Christians we are givers. But the principle we want to teach our children is that they are ‘blessed to be a blessing’ (Gen. 12:1). In other words, they have received many blessings from God (not just their parents) so that they can give to others. For example, Christmas is a celebration of God giving His son to us. We worship by giving gifts to the Savior. Our culture has made Christmas a season of getting instead of giving and sharing God’s love with others. Find ways during Christmas, birthdays, graduations and other special gift giving times to say yes to giving and no to getting and greed. Help your children make and find gifts to give to those they love and who are in need. Discover ways to give to those in great need who have been identified by your church. Reach out with love to unsaved family, friends and neighbors with gifts that exemplify God’s love for them.
Extract from 2=1's Legacy Magazine
See also: 17 Ways to say No.
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