Majoring in Majors not Minors!Focus on important, eternal issues with your child
Majoring in minors – as parents, we do it all the time. “How so?” Let us explain.
Minors are those irritating things that kids do which do not impact eternity but certainly upset our days and play havoc with our emotions. At times, we may feel like they intentionally do the same irritating things over and over again just to see if we will “break” emotionally or mentally.
Majors are those things relating to our kids, especially teenagers, which affect their values, character and destiny. Take a long look before you react emotionally or make comments to your child that you may regret later.
The truth is, there are some things that simply don’t matter for eternity and may have very little bearing on time as well. Let me suggest some minors that parents seem to take off on with angry looks, words, and rebukes that may cause more harm than good in relating to teens.
 Clothing and hair – both of these items are ways that teens seek to express individuality and separation from their parental apron strings. Remember to focus on substance not style. What’s that? Style is the look that you may not like but you can live with it. Substance covers issues like modesty and deviant subcultures. Dress and hair styles that reflect a youth subculture like gothic, fetish, sexy, occult and fantasy game costumes, punk and funky styles can indicate a peer group or peer pressure completely undesirable for your teenager.
What’s major here? Know their friends and what their clothing says about their attitudes and behaviors. Another major in this area is modesty. Midriff clothing for girls often arouses teen guys for the wrong reasons. Both guys and girls who dress to attract the sexual stares of the opposite sex are sending messages that parents need to hear. Modesty is the standard for Christian teens who refuse to send sexually suggestive messages to their peers.
 The unkempt room! The smells are unbearable. The clothes are scattered everywhere. And it is probable that something is growing in the room and it’s not a potted plant! What’s a parent to do? Simply set boundaries and establish rewards and consequences. For example, an unclean room means no night out with the peers. Or, dirty clothes go unclean until the teen, not the parent, washes, irons and puts them away.
What’s minor here is continual nagging, threatening, or yelling without positive action. Work with your teen to set up a contract on what’s expected and what the reward/consequences are instead of trying to control or manipulate your teen.
Looks that could kill! Then there’s the infamous looks; the sighs; the groans; the rolling eyes or raised eyebrows; the tone of voice that communicates dread, disgust or disrespect. Like no other person on earth, a teenager really knows how to get under a parent’s skin through irritating, non-verbal behavior.
What’s major at this point is how you respond. Your response can evoke more of the same, even worse, or can progressively eliminate the behavior. How? Remember who the child is in this situation. If your child’s negative attitude or non-verbals elicit a childish response from you… then you lose! And, your child fails to learn mature responses from you. In transactional analysis, we say that your child has “hooked your child.” That’s not what you desire in modeling mature behavior and mentoring your teen into adult responses. So, what might be a major issue that parents and teens must face together?
Peers – a major that really matters! Who’s that! Those ‘weird’ friends! At times, your teenager will choose friends that you disapprove of… for a variety of reasons. Their behavior, dress, lack of spirituality, etc. may really concern you. Consequently, you may respond with complaints, grounding, nagging and a number of other undesirable and manipulative actions. Or, you could be proactive with a number of positive actions such as:
 Discussing with your pre-teens and teens the character qualities both you (the parents) and them (your teens) desire in a godly friend.
Making it a rule for all your teen’s friends to visit and hang out at your house.
Meeting the parents of your teen’s friends.
Taking “tough love” action if your teen selects destructive friends refusing to allow your teenager to associate with them – that may mean changing schools, setting very strict boundaries on activities outside the family, etc. Remember, that the parent is the final say in relationships for children.
Your child’s future and destiny can be dramatically affected by their peers during the teen years. So, take charge, be proactive and do what’s necessary to set the best boundaries for your child. Judi and I took “tough love” actions with our teenage daughter to “rescue” her from destructive friends in high school. We ultimately changed her school and entire set of friends. While she was angry with us at the time, today she actually thanks us for it.
Major in peers and character. What your teen’s friends wear and how they look (the minor stuff) isn’t nearly as important as their faith and character. The earlier in life you begin with your child talking about friends and their character qualities, the easier the teen years will be for you and your teen to agree on peer relationships. How do we determine what’s major? Here are some criteria for separating majors from minors:
It’s minor if it’s a temporary, superficial style issue.
It’s major if it’s a lasting, substantive value issue.
It’s minor if your child’s destiny and character are not detracted from God’s purposes and plans for your child.
It’s major if the decisions or relationships formed will shape your child’s destiny in God.
It’s minor if your feelings are based in your opinions and not God’s way.
It’s major if God’s truths and Word are being transgressed.
Remember that how you respond to a minor issue could transform it into a major problem affecting your long-term relationship with your child. A disagreement with your child doesn’t have to end with one of you winning and the other losing. Disagreements are not a battle against flesh and blood. You and your child are not enemies; but the enemy will try to make you adversaries instead of life-long friends-which is God’s desire for you.
Listen. Seek long-term solutions based on God’s truths in Scripture. Decide to work it through patiently instead of cutting down each other with words or destructive actions. Follow the advice of James 1 in being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. Let your non verbal communication be loving not rejecting. Let the Spirit direct your relationship with your children so that love focuses on majors and releases minors. Remember
St. Paul ’s encouragement: For the whole law can be summed up in this one command, “Love others as you love yourself.” But if instead of showing love among yourselves you are always critical and catty, watch out! Beware of ruining each other. (Gal. 5:14-15 TLB)
Extract from 2=1's Legacy Magazine
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