Goodbye FriendKnowing when to end an unhealthy relationship
A young mother of two shares how to face and ultimately end an unhealthy friendship.
When I first met Jean, we just seemed to click. We had kids the same age, we liked to craft, and we loved to go shopping. She and I were both new to the area and didn't have many friends. I had been praying that God would introduce me to some new people, so it just seemed right that Jean and I started hanging out together.
At first, the relationship was fun. We shopped, we chatted over coffee, and we just enjoyed being out and doing things. Yet after a while, things began to change. We discovered that we didn't have mutual concerns to share. Instead, I learned that Jean was having many problems. As her friend I wanted to help, so I listened a lot. However, I began avoiding her calls and started to feel guilty about trying to avoid her.
Guilt moved me to pray. One morning I was praying about the situation, and feeling like I was not being a “good” friend, when God spoke into my heart about this relationship. God asked me, “Is Jean really your friend?” I felt miserable. It was time to evaluate this relationship. Healthy relationships have some common traits:
Balanced – basically, this means both sides are benefiting from the relationship. Sometimes one person is needier than the other, but balance always returns. Friendship is always give and take, not one or the other!
Growing – both people in the relationship should be moving forward. The relationship should deepen, grow in intimacy and trust. If that isn’t happening, something is going wrong and the friendship will remain very superficial.
Satisfying – this means that both persons are having their needs met, and meeting needs in the friendship. The friends actually desire the friendship.
Honest - Friends should be able to tell the truth to one another. Share issues, hurts, or a problem openly. Avoidance and lying signal some major problems that need to be uncovered and confronted.
Pleasing to God - God wants the best for His children. If a friendship is full of deceit, pain, and unfulfillment, it is not pleasing God.
 It was time to confront the truth that this relationship with Jean was unhealthy. The first and hardest step for me was having an honest discussion with Jean about how I felt.
Then we discussed our options. Whereas I wanted to end the relationship altogether, Jean wanted us to give it another chance, so I got my pastor involved, having a mutually trusted mediator or mature friend helps. Having a mediator helped us get some clarity about the friendship, and we outlined some options. We decided to end the relationship, part positively and move on.
Ending a friendship is difficult, yet as I go through life I know it will happen sometimes. After Jean and I parted, I kept her in my prayers, and I also cried over the loss of the friend I had so badly wanted. God comforted me with the truth that He has healthy friendships in store for my future, as He does for Jean.
This is an article from 2=1's Legacy Magazine
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