Family Change Begins at HomeAll Change Begins Within!
January, the New Year, is a time of change. January is the month of new beginnings and the time of year when we begin a new diet or start a new exercise program. We look back over the year just passed and determine that things will be different this year. We’re going to eat healthier, be more active, and spend money more wisely. It’s a wonderful time to erase the old and embrace the new.
As we look to all those new beginnings, it is important that we consider our families as well. No doubt most of us experienced things last year in our family that we would like to see changed. Sometimes, though, we feel helpless to affect change there. Everyone has his or her own free will and behavior patterns seem so set.
Is it really possible to see change in family interaction? Of course it is! But there is one key principle that is necessary to see any change occur. Without it, we may just face another year of what we experienced last year. Determining Who Must Change – As you read this you are no doubt thinking of a specific family member or members or perhaps an incident that took place within your family. Your heart longs to see that person or persons change so that incidents like that may not be repeated. If only you could find the key that would cause that person to be different. The truth is, just as with diet and exercise, budgets or anything else you are resolving to change this January, you can only truly make changes for yourself.
You cannot force another human being to become what you desire or coerce your family to change. The good news, though, is that the change you make within yourself will affect all those around you. Picture now one family member that you wish you could see changed. Perhaps it’s a matter of bad habits with him or her, or anger, or addiction or words that sting. Maybe it’s a long-standing broken relationship. Whatever you face, it’s not too big for Jesus.
Are You Willing to Change? Ask the Lord right now what needs to change within you to touch the heart of that person. Maybe you haven’t even seen him or her for a long time or perhaps you’ve had a recent painful encounter. Whatever the situation, there are things in your own heart that have been affected by that relationship. Perhaps you are holding unforgiveness or anger. Maybe you are even developing bitterness over the situation. When people are wounded, they find it easy to justify their own feelings in return. The Lord wants to change your heart this year. He wants to see your family changed, but He can only begin in the one who is willing. One person must lead the way for the family. Some important questions to ask yourself are:
- Are you willing to be that person?
- Are you willing to be gut-level honest with God and allow Him to show you the depths of your own heart?
- Are you willing to take the first steps of forgiveness?
Right now there may be an argument going on in your head. You are remembering all that has been done or said and you are thinking it is not your fault. Probably it is not. But every action has a reaction and you have reacted. Are you willing to let God show you the areas of your own heart that are growing cold because of what has happened in your family? It may be a small thing or it may be affecting every area of your life. You cannot wait until that other person changes or the situation is different. You must begin today allowing God to change you!
Begin Today – Take some time aside with the Lord today and take the first steps. Sit down at your computer or get paper and pen and be ready to record what the Lord shows you. If you are more comfortable verbally than with writing, use a recording instead.
 Bring to mind the painful incident or conversation and ask the Lord, “When that occurred, what happened within my own heart?” Write down everything that you feel and that He shows you. Don’t justify, just record.
Take a look at your list or listen to your words on the tape and accept the truth of what is in your own heart.
Now ask the Lord, “As a result of these things happening within me, what actions have I taken to protect myself to avoid another encounter?” Again record everything that He shows you. Don’t justify, just record.
Take a look at what you have written or listen to your words on tape and recognize the patterns of behavior that you have developed as a result of what has been said or done to you.
Now the big one – you need to forgive that person. Forgiveness means absolving him or her of all need to pay for what was said or done. Jesus bore his or her sin on the cross and paid the price already. He paid for that sin. Forgiving means recognizing what He has done for your family member and releasing him or her to the Lord.
Now ask the Lord to forgive your attitudes, thoughts, actions or words that resulted from your wounding. No matter how justified you feel, realize your own need for repentance and forgiveness. Receive the forgiveness of the Lord and let go of any condemnation you have been carrying.
Now ask the Lord to show you how you can walk in love toward that family member from now on. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking ‘that’s just what that person wants me to do. I am not going to be manipulated.’ Directions from the Lord are different than the demands of another person. His motives are pure and His direction brings peace.
As He teaches you to walk in love, recognize that you will need to practice this new way of living just as you must do with everything else you resolve to change. Remember that the key is not your own perfection, but the steadfast faithfulness of Jesus. At first, it may not come easily. You will make mistakes and will need to repent and once again walk in love.
As you allow your heart to be changed, you will be amazed how those around you change. The key is to allow God to change you and not to focus on what changes others need. Those will come as you are faithful in your own walk with Him. Start changing as you fix your eyes on Jesus:
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1).
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