CovenantThe Key Family FoundationBlended families must establish a covenant
As you took those vows years ago, you were certain that the two of you would live happily ever after. You didn’t, though, and divorce seemed the only answer to end the pain.
Then you met someone who brought new hope and a fresh promise of happiness beckoned you to begin again. This time, however, beginning a marriage involved not only the two of you, but the children you had as well. Now you are pulled between building your marriage and giving the attention demanded by your children and your spouse’s children.
Your new household may involve disputes that even the Supreme Court would find challenging. The love and peace you so desperately sought often seem lost to the energy required just to keep your new family together.
In addition your “ex” and his or her family may be part of the equation. Custody issues and visitation rights may play a part in your new life. Your family may seem to be anything but blended. And you are not alone. Millions of families are facing those same challenges.
God’s Covenant Plan
The key to family harmony for any family, but especially for a blended family, is the relationship between husband and wife. There is only one way to truly blend a family. It begins with covenant unity.
When God created the first man and woman, He joined them in the covenant of marriage and told them to bear fruit and multiply. God intends for a family to develop out of the stability and unity of a covenant relationship.
Within the safety of their parents’ covenant covering, children are free to grow and develop without fear of abandonment or rejection. God’s plan for family reflects His plan for His own family. Within the safety of His covenant relationship with us, we are free to grow and develop without fear of abandonment or rejection. That freedom is an important key to healthy maturing.
When we remove that covenant safety from the life of a child, there are consequences. A couple cannot simply enter into a new marriage and expect the family to follow naturally. The foundation for a blended family must be based in recognition of God’s plan for the original families and repentance for not being obedient to those plans. It cannot be based on excuses or rationalization. No matter what the reason for the divorce, it was not God’s plan for your marriage or family. Your honesty and repentance will begin the establishment of a firm covenant foundation for your new family.
There are consequences to the decisions you have made and you will be facing those consequences daily. Children from two different backgrounds are now going to be required to live together in one household. As parents you made the decision to form that household. You cannot now put the responsibility on your children for making it work. You need to understand and live covenant principles in your new household.
One Flesh
The Bible teaches that when we marry, the two become one. That doesn’t just mean that two people now have one relationship. It means that God performs a creative miracle and blends the two into one. They become one flesh.
When a covenant is established, the two covenant partners exchange all that they have – all the assets and all the liabilities. That includes children. No longer are children “mine” and “yours” but now they belong to both. Working together as a one flesh team means recognizing that covenant has made you one and joined together all that you both held separately before. That means that both parents in the home have authority over all the children in that home. All the children need to be taught to honor the authority of both parents equally.
Children learn early in life how to manipulate parents to get their own way. This is especially the case when the children do not have the same parent. When you are working together as a couple, the ability of children to drive a wedge between you will be minimized. That will only be the case though, if you make it clear that you are a team – not just in words but in actions as well.
“No matter what the reason for the divorce, it was not God’s plan for your marriage or family. Your honesty and repentance will begin the establishment of a firm covenant foundation for your new family.”
Establishing Covenant Principles
Step 1: The first step is to make a firm decision that this covenant you have entered into is “until death do you part”. Your children have learned through your past actions that they cannot count on the faithfulness of the adults in their lives. You must establish for them and environment of covenant steadfastness and security. The word divorce must not be in your thoughts or your vocabulary. They need to know they can count on your word.
Step 2: From the basis of the that covenant stability and unity, you must decide as a couple how you will make decisions regarding the children you have each brought into the family. Ask the Lord to show you His plan for each one. What are the boundaries and the privileges you both agree upon? How will discipline be handled? How will you stand together on issues that you have not yet been able to agree upon? These are things you must discuss and decide long before the circumstances require answers. We highly recommend the Parents For Life course to help you work together on these issues as a couple.
Teach your children to honor and respect authority in your home and in the home of their other parent. Honor is “caught” as well as taught. How do you refer to your child’s other parent? How do you treat your spouse’s children? How do you refer to your spouse’s “ex”? Do you show honor? If you don’t, then your children will not either.
Blending a family is a very challenging endeavor. You, as husband and wife, hold the key to its success. Understanding the covenant foundation of your own relationship is the first step in building a healthy blended home. Living out covenant principles daily in your home will help establish an atmosphere of unity, faithfulness, and honor.
By Mike and Marilyn Phillipps
Please click here to give us feedback about this article.
|
Designed and Delivered by
